Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
