Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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