btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
MIDGETS
????
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize