Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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