I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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