I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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