smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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