so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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