____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
