I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Congratulations! We have a period
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