get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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