You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
