: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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