That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
