guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
