oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
