Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
