why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
