I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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