why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
