peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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