According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
