I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
