And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
