i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
