It's Friday. Sex?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
