I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize