i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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