made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
