just tell him i said nine months
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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