im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
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