I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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