So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Your tits are I can't wait for
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
