Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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