i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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