my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
