i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
