Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
