I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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