I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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