I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
