If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
