I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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