Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
