You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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