Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
