He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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