I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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