so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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