I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
