Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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