i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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