I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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