Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
