At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
