I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
