he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
