Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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