we have officially lost it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
