Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
