I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
