I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
