...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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